Better to Have Loved and Lost
by Quiet Avarice
Summary: It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all. Youko contimplates the truth is this statement as he remembers his lover. YoukoXKuronue. Youko's pov. It's better then the summary


This is the first story that I have ever written that can be considered yaoi.

The pairing is Youko/Kuronue, if you can't tell from reading it.

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"It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all."

A lie if I have ever heard one.

The one who thought of this should die.

No, the one they love should die so they know what it feels like to lose something so dear and precious.

I sound like a tyrant for saying that, but I will not take it back.

At the moment, I feel the entire world should suffer as well as me. Why should I be the only one in pain? Why should I be the only one mourning?

I can not even take solace in burying my beloved so I can know he has a proper burial. The bastard that was responsible for his murder saw to that.

Oh, I made sure he suffered in the end, of course, but I am still not satisfied, or comforted.

Even now, as I clasp my lover's pendant, sorrow rises inside of me.

Gods, what I would give too see him one last time, hold him once more, tell him one last time how much I love him.

I fear I may not have said it enough, though I'm sure he knew.

The thought of him going to his grave without knowing….it's something I can not even allow myself to contemplate.

Now, as I stare at the blood red sky, I wander, would it be better for me to just end it? If I died, at least I could see him again.

No, I would not go to the same place as he.

My dear, sweet Kuronue; he was so kind, despite his heartless reputation.

He did not like killing, though he had no qualms with stealing, but he did not enjoy causing people pain. Even if they probably deserved it.

He was too gentle for this life, I told him that myself on those nights when we were alone, sated and content, curled in each other's arms.

He would always smile when I told him that, smile and give me a sweet kiss, mumbling about how

I was too good for him.

That was a lie too; I could have never been too good for him, if anything, he was too good for me.

I did not deserve to hold him, or to love him, or to be near him, or hear his voice or…. And I know I never deserved his love.

He is gone….

I will never be able to tell him any of this….

A solitary tear rolls down my cheek, falling onto the crimson surface of the pendant. I wipe it off

with my thumb, part of my mind chiding me for being so weak, the rest of me not even listening to it.

Strength does not matter to me, neither does gold or money.

All of it means nothing.

I doubt anything will ever bring me joy in this life, or the next, for that matter.

Unless… I guess it would be too much to hope for, that we would meet again in the next life.

Maybe it would be better if we did not.

It is my fault that he died, after all. It was my idea to go to that castle.

He did not want to. He knew it was too risky and too dangerous.

Why could I have not died as well?

No, then Kuronue's death would have been in vain then; he died so I could get away.

Why did you have to do that, Kuronue? Why did you have to go back and for this infernal pendant?

You told me that you would one day tell me why it meant so much to you, why did you not live to tell me such?

Why did you have to beg me to leave you behind? And why, why did I have to listen?

I would have rathered that I had died there with you that night, then to know that I had caused your death and live with the guilt.

But I never could refuse you anything.

And when you told me that you did not want to see me die….I could not refuse you then either.

So I ran, like a coward, because you asked me too.

Why did you not beg me to stay and save you instead? Or begged for us not to go through with the raid? You knew it was too dangerous, you told me as much, but you never asked not to go!

Instead, when I asked if you really wanted to, you gave me that cocky smirk that I fell in love with and said of course you wanted to go, how could you refuse such a challenge?

Damn it, if only I had not been so over confident, if only I had checked for traps, you would still be alive!

I love you, Kuronue, and I fear I always will…..

And I will always treasure the time we had together.

It is better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all."

Their right, I suppose.

But that doesn't stop me from aching now that you are gone.

But, I must say it now….

Good bye Kuronue, my love…..

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Well?

Tell me what you think.

Review, please.


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